Support Group
Etc
Who Knew
     Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
     Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there...I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."
     Who was the first idiot that looked inside an oyster and said "I think I'll eat that snot."
     Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible black crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
     Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
     If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
     Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
     If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
     Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
     Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
     What do you call male ballerinas?
     Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream in color?
     If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
     If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
     If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
     Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
     Why do the Alphabet Song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
     Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head out the window!?
     Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
     Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

Cleaning Tips:

     Dirt: Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 15 and leave it alone.

     Cobwebs: Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband point out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look confused and exclaim "What? And spoil the mood?" (Or just throw glitter on them & call them holiday decorations)

    Pet Hair: Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn play animals for underprivileged children. (Also keeps out cold drafts in winter)

     Guests: If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."

     Dusting: If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "This is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes."

     General Cleaning: Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly.

     Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself on the couch and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere."

     As a last resort, light the oven, throw a teaspoon of cinnamon in a pie pan, turn off oven and explain that you have been baking cookies for a bake sale for a favorite charity and haven't had time to clean...Works every time.

     Another favorite, I think from Erma Bombeck, always keep several get well cards on the mantle so if unexpected guests arrive, you can say you've been sick and unable to clean. You figure if you can live in it, they can surely stand it for a 30 minute visit!